So, it’s not just in my head anymore I am FAT…
This fat suit that I am currently wearing belongs to the one and only ME!
For the girl who grew up skinny and naively never really thought she could get fat, that was a tough pill to swallow.
I knew I would gain weight from being pregnant but I never knew the pregnant belly would stay so long…
Sometimes I catch myself in the mirror and I wonder who is that girl? Is that really me? Is this what I have become? How did I get here? How did it get so far? Why did I allow it to get this much out of control!!? And then the self-doubt rolls in and the defeat comes in before I have done anything really to make a change.
There was a period where I literally avoided looking in the mirror at my body. I would still look at myself in the face – after all I am still cute… but my body became an issue of disdain. There was a point where I even started looking at my face differently - could you believe. My cheeks were no longer cute, and my dimples now highlighted my double chin.
Who was that girl in the fat suit? Didn’t I always love sugar and cakes? Why am I so uncomfortable with myself?
And then it hit me - I used to judge girls like me!
A real asshole move I know. I would never say anything to them about their weight.
But I did think they were lazy and slobbish – “why did they allow themselves to get that way? They should just eat like do”.
Being on the side of privilege concerning anything can turn you into a real prick.
The fact is, we would like to think we are good people with loads of empathy, but we are quick to dismiss our privilege even when others show us how it is negatively affecting them.
You can see this when talking about race, financial status, sexual orientation, gender, even being a married mom vs. a single mom you name it!
Where there is privilege - there is ignorance.
The fact is being a skinny girl in western society is a privilege because you are automatically seen as more attractive, well-kept and can even receive more opportunities as a result.
It’s hard to see your privilege regarding any topic when you’re swimming in it. You start to believe your own bullshit as to why you deserve the privileges you get as a result of it, instead of focusing on having empathy for those who do not.
Anyways back to my personal journey. The privilege that I lost started hitting me. I wasn’t one of the hottest girls in the room anymore. I was the girl in the room that people just moved out of the way for. I just turned into a typical sloppy mama - unkept, undone, and fat!
How could I maintain myself to look great when I didn’t feel great? Does anyone else ever feel like this?
I constantly compared myself to these moms who always seemed fit with their hair and makeup always looking perfect. It seemed that no matter what I did, I always looked disheveled. Can anyone relate?
I couldn’t figure out my hair anymore for the life of me even though I did cute natural hairstyles in past. Even my makeup didn’t seem right anymore - and dressing up seemed impossible under these weight circumstances. Lets’ be clear I never really was one to be dressing up all the time, but confidence is key as to how I felt while I was dressed. In the past I really did not give a damn about how you or anyone thought I looked – I was always cute as hell.
I want to regain my confidence again!
I want to reclaim my love and confidence of myself! I will do it and I will do it now!!
In one of my son’s nighttime books it reads “If you want things to change you first have to change you”! So here we go mamas!!!
I have decided to create a YouTube channel following my weight loss journey. I do not want to continue on this weight gain journey anymore. In fact get me an express ticket to the nearest stop please!! This weight gain journey thing is not for me so I am going to try another route!
Documenting my weight loss journey, I am hoping will help keep me on track and accountable. I hope it will help me be successful where I failed so many times before. It feels like I know every trick in the book but have a hard time applying it to my own life.
If you would like to follow me on my journey and join along to get some tips, tricks and motivation for your own journey. Go over to YouTube right now and please like + subscribe to my videos https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCDp3YU9NrN3j2Mx1cFOAyMQ#
You can also connect with me via Instagram and check out my stories to keep up with what I am eating daily to hopefully inspire you also in the kitchen https://www.instagram.com/keithan.a/
Best of Luck Mamas!!