Growing up I was always skinny. I ate whatever I wanted and never really thought much about gaining or losing weight. Actually, I was this way pretty much up until half-way through university!
Here is a pic when I didn’t care about weight…
Here is a pic when I cared about weight…
The weight difference isn’t significant at all. P.S. I was so obnoxious...lol… I was sexy as hell!!
Anyways, I always asked myself – well what changed? What brought about this awareness that honestly, I feel entered me into a tailspin when it came to my weight?
This is not to say that I never gained or lost weight before this – because I did!
But the policing of my body was something that I never struggled with before. Its like a child who isn’t afraid of the dark until an adult makes them aware that the dark has things to be afraid of. Do you get what I’m saying? I wasn’t really self-conscious about my weight.
For some reason as you get older so many conversations become weight related especially among women. And I honestly hate it but now I’ve become that way myself, I can’t say obsessively - but it is to the point that it bothers me. Because let’s be real my current weight BOTHERS ME!
I had members of my family talk about weight before, but I guess my Caribbean background allows me to block out family over criticalness (Caribbean people you know what I am talking about). Your own family will roast you about your entire self, so that you learn to have tough skin!
Say your mom says, “you’re getting fat – better watch your weight”. You might just answer “yeah I know (laugh) or no I’m not” and move on happily. Now, I don’t know if that is healthy or unhealthy, but we have a very unfiltered culture and I honestly think that’s why it’s hard to hurt my feelings with comments.
Well so I thought before writing this piece. However, I can assure you that this shift in my attitude or this weight consciousness as I’ve coined it, came about because someone who was not in my family pointed out my weight gain.
I know that opinions are like assholes – everybody has one! But gaining this baby weight took everything to another level!
It seems like everyone else, especially these European people just snap back without even trying??!! Although, I have to admit, I might like cake and hate jogging more than them.
Like I said before, I had gained and lost weight before – what was different this time is that I was so caught up in my weight gain that it started effecting my mood and my comfort with my body. I started taking pictures differently, even though it was something I didn’t think about before – putting something over my stomach or pulling in my stomach when taking pics.
Here I am in the most beautiful place, cute as ever covering my stomach! Why, do we do this to ourselves ladies??!!
Doesn’t everyone struggle with something? Why do we put so much pressure and shame on ourselves and each-other? For whom??
Suddenly, my family’s slick comments about my weight weren’t funny anymore, they were kind of hurtful and made me even more self-conscious. I started looking at myself in the mirror differently. Not fully enjoying my food like I used to – eating ice cream made me feel guilty. These sorts of feelings are so unhealthy! Eating your food and just enjoying it, is a wonderful thing whether you are fat OR skinny. Food should not be a guilty pleasure. I feel that this creates an unhealthy relationship with food which causes dieting and more unhealthy food practices. Either by over obsessing about it or just feeling overwhelmed by it.
Let’s be clear here – I AM NOT LOOKING FOR A PITY PARTY OR TO CRY ON ANYONE’S SHOULDERS HERE!!! So please don’t try to comfort me about this once you read – I just want that anyone who also feels this way know that they are NOT ALONE!!
I AM LOOKING FOR YOU TO LOOK OUT FOR PART 2 OF THIS BLOG POST WHERE I TALK ABOUT MY PROGRESSION INTO THE POST-BABY WEIGHT BODY!! YIKES aka when I actually became FAT!!!