A midnight reflection

2 min read

As I sit here, eating my midnight snack thinking about what to write, I can’t help but be bombarded by one single thought. Wow, what if that were me?

I say this because I recently heard of a childhood friend/nemesis passing away a few days ago. When we were kids, she was my nemesis – in my head – too many superhero cartoons I am sure influenced that lol.

We reconnected via Facebook about a year or two ago as adults and I was so excited to add her and see what was going on in her life because being my nemesis and all she was a major part of primary school days.

In fact, I remembered her more than I remembered a lot of people from back then. 

The last time we spoke was via Instagram direct messenger a few months back – our conversation was basically her congratulating me on the birth of my beautiful baby girl and she also shared that she was pregnant with her 3rd child which would be born in a couple months. We had a little small talk and that was it.

A few days ago, my cousin told be that she had passed away. A part of me was confused and my heart felt heavy. I wasn’t particularly close to her but the thought of her leaving her kids behind shook me

As I get older, I feel more than ever the pressure to stay alive and be here for my kids. It seems like people are passing away and it is not due to old age or that they've abused themselves or was involved in gang activity etc.  you know the reasons we set up to determine that a person would probably die young. Sometimes they just die because of unfortunate reasons and circumstances. A few months ago, a boy I grew up with who was kind of a little cousin/brother to me died a horrible death doing his job. Even as I write this – that still doesn’t seem real or true to me. He is somehow still alive in my head. And then another thought pops into my head – his little child is growing up without her father.

I wonder about the children; how will they grow up? Who will make sure they remember? What kind of people will they be as a result of this? What if it were my children – would they even remember me? Would they understand why I couldn’t hug them while they fell asleep anymore?

I know that my children don’t understand death right now and I don’t want them to for a long time.

 My reflection in all of this is to make sure and be present while you are present with your children.

Make sure you look them in the eye when you kiss them and hug them. Forget all these sleep training techniques that require you to be cold to your child …WHAT FOR? They will eventually sleep through the night regardless. Rock them to sleep if it brings both of you joy. I love when I breast feed my baby and her little hands are clenched to my shirt and she takes a break from her drinking and looks up at me and smiles that silly gummy smile. Every time I try to make that moment last in my head. May I never forget it.

I remember when my son was super small, I was so obsessed with doing everything perfectly, so I didn’t want him to sleep on me. But he was so cute. I remember him folding his little arms under his face and going to sleep. I fell in love with his little face every time he did that. I wish I allowed him to do it longer much more. Even now, I won’t lie he has turned into bit of a challenging child. But when he kisses me on the forehead while he is protecting me from pretend dinosaurs and tells me I will be alright something in my heart smiles.

Moms, my takeaway to you today is. Life can be so fickle so don’t waste your time following some manuscript for the perfect child that does not work for you. I like my children structured so even my newborn has a strict bedtime. If that doesn’t matter to you – then why should you push that ideal. Don’t mind your kid sleeping in your bed – why try to kick them out? Don’t do anything just because someone deemed it the right thing to do unless it is for legitimate safety issues.

But, you know what – this is my second child, I learned those things I mentioned with my first. What I really take from this is that I won’t let my discomfort with my weight and how I look take away from taking pictures with my babies. I post and take pictures of them but rarely with them because I always feel ugh look at my hair or my belly etc. From now on, I am going to take and post more pictures with them. Because, God forbid if anything should happen to me I want them to have lots to remember me by. I want my husband and children to know they are loved unconditionally even on the days I am yelling for a break from them. I could never imagine my life without them, the thought alone makes me sad.

Man, this post is tuning really morbid.

Anyways, my intention is to live a long life, see my kids grow up and become wonderful human adult beings who make mommy and daddy proud of them always.

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